MEN and WOMEN COMMUNICATING

A detailed Summary of MEN and WOMEN COMMUNICATING

Tannen's (1990) book, "You Just Don't Understand," explains heterogeneous facts about men and women's communication styles. Tannen says once these gender differences are sorted out, men and women can recognize and understand how to confront real conflicts, rather than fighting styles. When men and women learn to accept the opposite sex's conversational styles, they can learn to understand a shared language-where there is symmetry and negotiation of conflicts.

It is important to recognize that these linguistic differences between men and women do not stem solely from what Tannen (1990) describes as "cross-cultural communication." There are very apparent differences in speaking styles; for example, women tend to offer suggestions and give reasons, whereas men tend to give demands without reasons. However, the root of communication conflicts is really the result of the opposite natures of male and female. It is the nature of men to be dominant, and it is the nature of women to be submissive; any revolt against these natures, will cause conflict amongst men and women. Tannen says, "If a man experiences life as a fight for freedom, he is naturally inclined to resist attempts to control him and determine his behavior"(p.152). Since

If you get your way as a result of having demanded it, the payoff is satisfying in terms of status: You're one-up because others are doing as you told them. But if you get your way because others happened to want the same thing, or because they offered freely, the payoff is in rapport. You're neither one-up or one-down, but happily connected to others whose wants are the same as yours (p. 225).

The story of Adam and Eve describes the distinction between "free-will" and nature. As the story goes, Satan weakens Eve with wisdom and then tricks her into eating from the tree of life. Although this parable depicts Eve as "weak" or easily persuaded, the lesson is that Eve made a choice, she clearly understood that God did not want her to eat the forbidden fruit. Eve allowed her submissive nature to overpower her. This is why God said:

The book of Genesis clearly defines God's purpose for creating man and woman; God said man (created in the likeness of God) is to have dominion over all the earth and every living creature. Woman (created from man) is to multiply and be a companion for man. God intended there to be orderliness, which is why He designed men and women with very specific biological and psychological differences. These differences distinguish natures and determine male and female behaviors (Genesis 1:1-24).

The girls in this study, made proposals; i.e. "Lets wash our hands"; and offered valid reasons for their proposals, i.e. "We will get germs, if we don't wash our hands." Tannen (1990) says Researchers have found that girls of all ages, including women, make proposals for actions by using the words "Lets" and "We." These very words imply harmony and community. Because of the emphasis that women and girls place on relationships and intimacy, status and power are not important. Therefore, yielding to suggestions does not mean that the individual person making the suggestion has more power. The number one objective amongst the girls was obvious: "I want to be liked by everyone."

Tannen (1990) referenced several linguistic studies of young girls and boys interacting with one another. In those studies, Tannen observed that girls have the same suggestive approaches in conversational styles as women, and that boys have similar demanding language styles as men.

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Approximate Word count = 1818
Approximate Pages = 7 (250 words per page double spaced)

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