Divorce A Broken Dream
Divorce is now part of everyday American life. The effects of divorce are embedded in our laws and institutions, our manners and mores, our novels and children’s storybooks, and our closest and most important relationships. Indeed, divorce has become so pervasive that many people naturally assume it has seeped into the social and cultural mainstream over a long period of time. Yet this is not the case. Divorce has become an American way of life only as the result of recent and revolutionary change. This change in the family structure has indeed hurt children. Divorce has created economic insecurity and a disadvantage for many children who would not otherwise be economically vulnerable. The effects of divorce has led to more fragile and unstable family households and has caused a mass exodus of fathers from children’s households and, all too often, from their lives. In sum, divorce has changed the very nature of American childhood. One out of every two marriages today ends in divorce and many divorcing families include children. During this difficult period, parents may be preoccupied with their own problems, but continue to be the most important people in their children’s lives. Chi
In a hostile situation the loss of a parent is often felt as failure or helplessness because a resolution was not found. Children in this situation often experience the loss of a parent by blaming themselves for not being able to fix the problems, and take on an adult role to compensate for their perceived incompetence. These children lose their childhood. The loss felt through divorce becomes a painful experience that stays with the child internally when not resolved. The children’s reality is often “. . . . not only losing their parent, but their home, friends, bedrooms, pets, church, and schools.” 1 A change in normal, everyday interaction takes place. These differences cause feelings of loss. When children are put into caretaking parental roles, it creates a loss for them of their normal activities. “The necessary psychological, and emotional levels of loyalty, trust, security and safety, being loved and cared for and having a sense of belonging that children need. . . . ,” are influenced by the way the parents act during and following the divorce. 2 Parents must be aware that children are self-centered because they are children. Children will wonder what they have done to cause the divorce, and also wonder what they can do to fix the problems. Although they are resilient and adapt to changes, including divorce, “their sense of self is affected during moments of loss.” 3 Children can not express the whole picture of how they are feeling, so their emotions are expressed through their behavior. “ Behaviors such as pouting, being obnoxious, selfishness, being scared and lying. . . . ” are all signs of loss. 4 Children are not adults and they can confuse their realities. Both adolescent and adult children need to understand their history. Children may fantasize about reconciliation or that they are powerful. They do this in order “ to stop a feeling of powerlessness they feel for their parents and for themselves.” 5 They realize their life has changed, the people they love are acting differently and this is hard for them to deal with. It is during these times of realization that the emotions come in waves. It is very similar to an ocean. Calm for a period of time and then a huge wave comes out of nowhere. The emotional response feels overwhelming. The experience of loss often triggers emotions of a past experience of other losses. During this time their self-esteem feels damaged and “they do not like who they are or how their behavior has changed.” 6 Children describe the feelings of loss and sadness as being prolonged. The feelings affect them in every area of their life, even in areas they have never felt before. Often reactions of unfairness surface and questions of “Why is this happening to me?” come to mind during the loss period. Because trust is built on how a person is treated by another person, a persons trust level is greatly affected by divorce. No one, including a child, knows how they are going to be treated during or following divorce. This aspect of loss, loss of trust, causes feelings of respect to dissolve. Children feel this same loss of trust or betrayal. Feeling betrayed by a parent is very difficult for a child. “The intense feelings of shame, guilt, and confusion. . . . ” are too much for them to carry. 7 Children turn these feelings in toward themselves, and this is demonstrated in their behavior and attitude. Their fear of abandonment is overwhelming, and the fear stays with them. Children know they need adults to survive, so feeling betrayed is extremely intense for them and often feels like abandonment. Often something that seems to a parent as simple as a broken promise feels like betrayal to a child. Betrayal is also felt when parents are constantly arguing, or when parents do not show enough caring to come to an event. “Reality seems impossible to comprehend” and feel
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Approximate Word count = 3066
Approximate Pages = 12 (250 words per page double spaced)
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