My term of being the "perfectionist" was to be accepted by everyone. My desire for being accepted in the society made me compare myself to the models and actresses that played the role of "perfectionism". These walking clothes hangers laughed and laughed in front of my "green" eyes for I felt jealousy because they had what I didn't have. Day by day, I would pile my bedroom floor with useless magazines featuring models that looked like they were ready to fall apart. I personally did not admire these so called "raging beauties", but because the society that I lived in called these so called "raging beauties" the role model of "perfectionism"; my goals were basically to lose weight and become the clothes hanger that everyone admired. I was at a hefty weight of 185lbs

After hearing that the guy I admired made fun of my heftiness made more determined to lose weight during the summer. My whole summer plan was basically go on the strictest diet ever. That very jerk was probably one of many reason that I ended up being anorexic but it was also at my fault for listening to the insecure jerk.

one bit. Foolishly, I would fall for any guy that wanted to go out with me, including the ones that lead me into being anorexic. It seemed too good to be true when guys showed interest in me for I always brushed those interests off thinking of it as being some joke to humiliate me. The constant hunger and mal nutrition made my new and improved life a living hell. This was just about the time when I became familiar with another eating disordered referred to as "Bulimia". Binging and purging actually made me feel happier than when I was anorexic. I smiled more often and I noticed I wasn't as stressed out and tired as when I was anorexic. I also noticed that I didn't need to exercise or burn the calories I kept in my body. I no longer needed to run 2 miles a day and I no longer needed to boil myself in the sauna for 30 minutes in order to sweat out the hydrogen in my body. Life couldn't be any easier to maintain my weight but at the same time, my heart was lacking calcium and po!

Up until now, I still haven't told me mom I loved her nor have I gave her a hug, but falling asleep while holding her hands seemed like a pretty good start to me. Hard to believe, but my determinations to quit drugs and quit smoking is still there. Although my experience seems like something I wouldn't want to look back to, I will never forget my past for all those hard times made me come to where I am now. The pains are slowly turning into happiness and I am taking my time to find my identity.

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for throwing out my dad when I was young and bringing him back into my life when I no longer needed a dad to depend on. I never truly understood why she threw my dad out until I saw him drunk but my dad also had reasons for being drunk. I have to admit that having a father figure in my life is a big plus but when I found out my dad told me he lived with my mom because of me made me seem as if I was affecting both their lives. Not once have I ever blamed myself until now yet I am at the point where I have no one to blame BUT myself. I am still bulimic and I still feel fat. It hurts so much that I can't control anything, even my eating habits. For one year, there has never been a day when I did not my put my face inside any toilets. You could start from the porter potties to a luxury style bathroom. They seemed the same to me.

The time I was ready to go overboard on my "plans", my mom just obtained her gohonzon. After being told that whatever I chanted for would come true, I jumped right in front of the gohonzon chanting for I had nothing to lose. She told me to chant for "happiness". The "happiness" that I chanted for was non-the less, to be the skinniest girl alive. Chanting to be skinny seemed like a better option for me than exercising and eating carrot sticks. I remember telling the gohonzon I wanted this prayer so badly because I wanted to feel the "happiness" by hurting the ones that hurt me. I wanted to destroy these insecure maniacs that made my life a living hell. Surprisingly, SOME of my prayers were answered. I was a little bit over 100 lbs at the height of 5'9". Being asked if I was a model was as if my dream came true. I even remember pinching my arms for all I felt were bones.

I wanted to blame someone or something for making me end up in some eating disorder unit claiming me not normal. My experience in the unit made my hatred towards the gohonzon grow and grow. Eventually, I blamed the gohonzon for all the misfortune I received. If I haven't chanted, then my paranoia wouldn't have made me end up with stupid girls who were complaining that

Some common words found in the essay are:
Bulimia Binging, Identity Knowing, LOVE DRUGS, Maia Maybe, lose weight, ready fall, ready fall apart, self- esteem, looked ready fall, didn't home, fairy tale, finally found, looked ready, seriously didn't, didn't care, getting drugs, close heart attack, told mom loved, walking clothes hangers,
Approximate Word count = 5061
Approximate Pages = 20 (250 words per page double spaced)