My term of being the "perfectionist" was to be accepted by everyone. My desire for being accepted in the society made me compare myself to the models and actresses that played the role of "perfectionism". These walking clothes hangers laughed and laughed in front of my "green" eyes for I felt jealousy because they had what I didn't have. Day by day, I would pile my bedroom floor with useless magazines featuring models that looked like they were ready to fall apart. I personally did not admire these so called "raging beauties", but because the society that I lived in called these so called "raging beauties" the role model of "perfectionism"; my goals were basically to lose weight and become the clothes hanger that everyone admired. I was at a hefty weight of 185lbs

My bulimia was never cured and it still isn't. I frankly didn't care about living to see tomorrow. All that mattered to me was to be as happy as I could be today. I quickly noticed that I could take advantage of people by making them feel sorry for me. I noticed that the teachers allowed me to slack off because the felt sorry for the girl who looked as if she was ready to fall apart. Taking advantage of the goodness around me made me lazy. Being on the varsity tennis team and getting straight A's seemed pointless to me. My parents felt sorry for me so they eventually let me free. I am referring to the term "free" as in staying out late and dropping out of high school. I also took the advantage lying to my mom that I chanted would quickly let me off the hook when I did something wrong.

Knowing myself too well and not trying to go for the better makes everyone around me so confused with anger. I have to admit that I am smart and very bright yet I hate the fact knowing I'm leading it in a bad way. The devilish things I think and the scary thoughts of hurting the people who hurt me, and thinking of everyone as idiots who I can fool makes me feel so un- human. How could these thoughts come out of a 16 year old? What even makes me feel even worse is the fact that I went up and received MY gohonzon. I didn't want it and my purpose for getting it was for my mom. I felt that I fooled everyone around me and I was frankly happy that my mom finally got a gohonzon she can chant to but as always, because that "happiness" was going towards the wrong path, that happiness turned into misery. All the happiness I experienced turned into misery. Some may be shocked with hearing this from me but I'm sure there are others that could relate.

I entered as an incoming freshmen at high school weighing 165 at the height of 5'8". 20 lbs seemed a lot of weight to lose but those 20 lbs weren't enough to gain the popularity or the "guys" I wanted. Watching my thin girlfriends go out on dates made my determination to lose weight increase, for I wanted the very same attention from those very same guys. These very good friends that I trusted only saw me as a burden to be with. They were more interested in hanging out with the upper-classmen this led them to exclude me in the social events that they attended as well as denying the friendship that I thought we had. Having my closest friends "dump me" for the reason of being overweight and ugly provoked me to think that society only respected thin people. Although I lost my friends in school, the anonymous friends I had on the Internet were still there. Another disappointment that I have noticed was that even Internet guys would want the thin anorexic looking girls. At that ti!

t on me. I still did not care. I loved my dad more than anyone in the world yet I just "did not care". No one seemed human in my eyes and they all seemed like "fools". I also knew that if I went back home, then they would eventually find out everything about me and I would eventually have to get better and give up drugs. I had two roads and I ended up going home.

So many disappointments were heading towards me. Because of me, my parents fought, and because of me, my dad drank more and more everyday. There has never been a day without argument in the family, which is why I didn't want to come home. Instead of blaming myself for my parents' daily argument, I blamed them for leading me into living a miserable life. My parents' daily quarrels eventually made my dad burn the gohonzon. I was shocked yet angry. The gohonzon was the only strength my mom had in order to deal with me and he burned it. I felt angry because I quickly though that if my mom didn't have any strength, she would give up on me. I never told me mom that I loved her in 5 years. I didn't want her to know because I was honestly scared to admit it. I never thought I would feel so sorry for her. Whenever I was stressed out, I would blame her yet she had the strengt

Some common words found in the essay are:
Bulimia Binging, Identity Knowing, LOVE DRUGS, Maia Maybe, lose weight, ready fall, ready fall apart, self- esteem, looked ready fall, didn't home, fairy tale, finally found, looked ready, seriously didn't, didn't care, getting drugs, close heart attack, told mom loved, walking clothes hangers,
Approximate Word count = 5061
Approximate Pages = 20 (250 words per page double spaced)