The thought that she "fails (failed) him in some mysterious way"(95). She turns to a life of one-night stands with strangers to "fill her (my) empty heart"(118). By reputation she starts to be known as a whore. She loses her job over an episode with a "seven-teen year old"(107) that reminds her of her dead husband. Her life is full of devastation and she turns to "drink"(105) alcohol while losing a grip on reality. She never finds a man to "fill her (my) empty heart"(118) left by her dead husband. .

             .

             Her grip on life slowly gets lost and her mental health gets worse. Without Allan she can not stand the light because it reminds her of the "searchlight"(96) from the night of Allan's death. She covers lights with "little colored paper lanterns"(55) because they are too bright for her dark life. She "can't stand a naked light bulb"(55). She refuses to see Mitch in the light because light would surface her dark past. She herself says that she can not stand the "naked light"(55). In her life of darkness she's quick to turn to the "kindness of strangers"(142). Because she feels she sexually fails her husband, leaving her the need to involve herself in "intimacies with strangers"(118) strangers. Alcohol seems to be the only place to turn for comfort because it makes her forget Allan. Without the alcohol, "the polka tune fade in"(119) from the night of her husband's death. She gets to the point where she can no longer maintain mental stability.

             She needs put herself back into reality but does not have the proper knowledge anymore. Her lifetime is full of devastation from the loss of her homosexual husband to her loss of her teaching career. Her "lies"(118) comfort her while putting her mind at ease. Through her mental downfall she still tries to keep her education, manners, and "appearance"(21). After she gets "kicked (her) out of that high school"(101) and gets "told by the mayor to get out of"(100) "Laurel"(100), she is left with no other option then to turn to her sister, Stella.